I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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