and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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