you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
