Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
