Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
