can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
