I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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