if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
The power of my boobs compel you
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
