Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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