i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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