so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
