the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
