Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
