Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
