Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
