On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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