I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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