You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
