I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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