I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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