Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
