bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
