then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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