I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
