k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
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You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
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Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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