she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
it's great music for shaving your balls
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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