I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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