No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
