i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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