yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
