if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
