I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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