guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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