I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
