oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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