Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
