I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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