Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
