I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
