I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
NoShamevember. You game?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
