ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
