She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
