its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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