I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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