false alarm. still invincible.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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