i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
