I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize