My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
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she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
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I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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