Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The beer is more important than you right now.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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