I want to have your abortion
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
