he looks like a really good dad on facebook
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
