You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
