I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
